Funny pet stories
I’m not sure how funny this is, but the joke was on me. At the time this happened, I had a German Shepherd named Samantha. Somehow one day I forgot to lock my doors. I came home from work to find the doors open and Samantha gone. Of course I was frantic and walked the neighborhood for more than an hour looking for her and asking anyone I could find if they saw her. Finally, discouraged, I decided to come home and make some calls. When I reached my door, there was Samantha, calmly sitting and waiting as if to say, where were you, I’ve been here.
Dog Property Rules
- If I like it it’s mine
- If it’s in my mouth it’s mine
- If I can take it from you it’s mine
- If I had it a little while ago it’s mine
- If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine
- If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway
- If it just looks like mine it’s mine
- If I saw it first it’s mine
- If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine
- If it’s broken, it’s yours
The Dog Rules
- The dog is not allowed in the house.
- Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
- The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
- The dog can get on the old furniture only.
- Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
- Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
- The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
- The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
- The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
- Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.
The Dog Diary vs. The Cat Diary
The Dog’s Diary
- 8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
- 9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
- 9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
- 10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
- 12:00 pm – Milk bones! My favorite thing!
- 1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
- 3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
- 5:00 pm – Dinner! My favorite thing!
- 7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
- 8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
- 11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
The Cat’s Diary
Day 983 of My Captivity
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now …
- “My cat speaks sign language with her tail.” – Robert A. Stern
- “My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money.” – Joe Weinstein
- “The purity of a person’s heart can be quickly measured by how they regard animals” ~ Anonymous
- “Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.” ~ Anonymous
- “A dog is the only thing on earth that will love you more than you love yourself.” ~ Josh Billings
- “Dogs have owners, cats have staff.” ~ Anonymous
- “A house is not a home without a pet.” ~ Anonymous
- “There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.” ~ Ben Williams
- “You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!'” ~ Dave Barry
- “I’ve met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.” ~ Hippolyte Taine
- “Every boy should have two things: a dog, and a mother willing to let him have one” ~ Anonymous
- “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” ~ Andrew A. Rooney
- “Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.” ~ Mary Bly
- “Animals are such agreeable friends – they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms.” ~ George Elliot
- “An animal’s eyes have the power to speak a great language.” ~Martin Buber
- “Lots of people talk to animals…. Not very many listen, though…. That’s the problem.” ~Benjamin Hoff, The Tao of Pooh
- “I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.” ~Winston Churchill
- “The cat has nine lives: three for playing, three for straying, three for staying” – Proverb quote
- “You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.” -Nora Ephron
- “People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.” – Faith Resnick
- “Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction” – A Cowboy saying
- A pregnant Goldfish is called a twit.
- There are over 300 species of Parrots in the world.
- There are anywhere between one and two billion living Birds on the planet.
- Some birds live much longer than Dogs or Cats.
- The chicken is the most common bird on the planet.
- It is believed that birds have evolved from dinosaurs.
- 40 million Americans own pet birds.
- A bird’s feathers weigh more than its skeleton.
- Cats lap liquid from the underside of their tongue rather than from the top when drinking.
- The oldest known cat lived to the ripe old age of 34.
- Compared to a dog’s approximately 10 vocalization sounds, cats have a whopping 100 different vocalization sounds.
- Survivors of the Titanic included two dogs: a Pekingese belonging to Henry Sleeper Harper and a Pomeranian belonging to Miss Margaret Hays.
- The oldest known breed of dog is the Saluki, which is an Arabic word meaning noble one. These dogs were raised as hunting dogs by ancient Egyptians.
- The oldest breed of dog native to North America is the Chihuahua.